


I want to be free of this pain; a star wars modern au

by peytonn



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Recovery, Star Wars modern au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 07:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11375043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peytonn/pseuds/peytonn
Summary: "I'm stuck. I can't move forward.""You need to keep finding something to fight for."-Rey, a broken young woman fighting off depersonalization disorder sets out on a path to overcome her mental illness.-(Almost all) Star Wars The Force Awakens characters in a modern setting.





	I want to be free of this pain; a star wars modern au

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm ever writing for AO3! If you like this please leave a comment on any way I can improve. Enjoy!  
> This is a relaxed, fluffy, first chapter.
> 
> (Almost two years later, and I'm still whipped for TFA.)

Pink light flooded into the bedroom Rey called her own. At sixteen years of age, Rey was an old soul. Pain bled within the layers of her heart with which no one had been able to peel into. So there she lay upon her white bedsheets. Staring out of the window was a normality to the young girl. So much of her time was swept up into taking care of her own thoughts, but being afraid of those very thoughts was what made her sit there day after day.

The sun was setting, which always gave Rey an odd sense of nostalgia every empty evening. The trees in her front yard were just outside her window, leaves fully green, contrasting the hues of pink, orange, and blue the sky gave in the summer dusk. Her window was partially opened, the smell of the air at the close of day sweet yet melancholy. Rey thought it was beautiful. In fact, she thought her existence in itself was beautifully rare. Despite that, Rey’s pain stemmed from her own existence. She did not know whether she was here or there, awake or asleep, speaking or silent. Depersonalization was the fancy medical term that she had found late at night while scrolling through the anxiety that was the internet. It was something so misunderstood, so hard to understand no matter how many words she put into it. For what is existence, if you do not know you are existing? The suffocating fear of this was constantly overwhelming Rey, which were ultimately the thoughts that made her ponder at the end of each day. 

It seemed as if this strange feeling, these notions even stopped her from looking at herself in the mirror. Yes, you must get up to file through your physical appearance if you want to be normal throughout the day. It was something her mother stressed enough about. 

“Rey, you have to do your hair! You can’t be looking like this for the day!” Rey’s mother would exclaim each morning, which led to more anxiety for Rey, who was forced to look at herself, (But is this myself? Are these my hands? Is this my voice?-Rey’s thoughts would circle around, and around, and around.) which ultimately led to more anxiety and the fear of not being able to get out of this rut she was stuck in. One of the main things that made her feel slightly less out-of-it was when she spent time with people that she cared for. Of course, there were moments when it felt like they weren’t real and she wasn’t real, but it was easier to shake off the feelings when there were other things to be focusing on.

And so she sat, watching the sun set in front of her wide window, the sadness kicking into full gear like a windmill picking up speed on a windy day. Rey liked to hear the sounds of the cars as they passed her house, a reminder that she was living and in the present moment. Birds chirped outside, ready to lay their wings down in the trees for the night. The sun was going to sleep, but the moon would soon awaken and Rey would either fight against the struggle of sleep, or fall asleep abnormally quickly. Rey had always loved looking at the starry sky more than the daylight or even a sunset. Watching the twinkling stars made her feel small in the universe, when it was so much larger than herself and had so much mystery surrounding it. Rey felt herself beginning to get droopy-eyed, exhaustion hitting in.

Being snapped out of her trance, Rey saw the one and only Finn right outside her window. Rey had first become lifelong friends with Finn in elementary school, when she had asked what his name was and he spluttered and stumbled over saying his own name. Finn even lived on her block, and she spent almost the entirety of her childhood with Finn, and Ben Solo who lived across the street from her.

“Rey!” Finn whisper-yelled to her window.

Rey popped her head out of the window, and waved to Finn. “I’m coming down right now, hold on!”

Rey then opened her window all of the way, stepping out onto the grass outside. Rey had begged her parents for months to let her sleep in the room on the main floor of the house, without them knowing it was for late-night getaways with her only best friends in the world. The summer breeze was still warm on her skin despite the departure of the sun, the stars just barely visible behind the clouds that swamped the night sky.

“Whadd’ya got planned for tonight?” Rey grinned, throwing an arm over Finn.

“Literally nothing.” Finn’s face was dead serious.

Rey shot him a crestfallen look. “Seriously? Then what are you doing here, when you could be spending time in bed?”

“I’m just messing with you! Oh my god, you literally looked just about as heartbroken as when Ben wouldn’t dance with you at the junior high grad. That was a night to remember.” Finn laughed.

“Finn! We agreed to never bring that up again!” Rey scowled, hitting Finn’s shoulder playfully.

“Okay well, Poe’s got fireworks.” Finn evilly grinned from ear to ear, letting out a cackle. “But I don’t wanna get in trouble for it so I’m making him drive us out to the edge of the city.”

“He got fireworks! Holy shit, how and why?” Rey gasped.

“I mean, he’s eighteen now and he kinda does whatever-the-fuck he wants. He’s so badass.” Finn sighed, dreamily smiling.

“You two are so cute it’s gross.” Rey fake-gagged, causing her to get a kick in the shin.

“I’ll still take that as a compliment. Speaking of the devil, there’s my man.” Finn said, Poe rolling up to the driveway of Rey’s house. The car headlights shone into Rey and Finn's eyes, causing Finn to flip the bird to Poe.

Poe rolled down the window of his car, sending a charming smile Finn and Rey’s way. “Hey kiddos!” He called out, sticking his head out of the window. Poe really was a charming young man, tousled brown hair and cheeky smile, making him a supposed "lady-killer". But Poe had other things on his mind than women. His loving boyfriend, Finn perhaps.

“Stop calling me kiddo! I’m your boyfriend for god’s sake!” Finn whisper-yelled again, climbing into the car. “Rey, get in!”

Rey climbed into the backseat, closing the car door behind her. “Hi Poe! How’s adult life going?” Rey really was genuinely curious about how Poe was holding up after finally graduating from the "hell after hell", as he liked to call it, or just known as high school. High school was generally a hell that any sane teenager never learned to love as much as their parents supposedly had. 

“Not bad actually, I just landed a job at the shop that does car repairs. I guess you could call me a mechanic now.” Poe winked, turning around in his seat so he could make sure that wink was unmistakably for Rey.

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, I still don’t know how bad you are yet.” Rey winked back.

“You’re an actual savage, Rey. I love you.” Finn nodded in respect, then burst out laughing.

“Alright kids, let’s go get some fireworks started.” Poe drove away from Rey’s house, and headed towards the less-populated, less-dense outskirts of the city.

The car quickly picked up speed, the city lights moving past quickly, looking like blurs of orange light as they moved past them. The farther the car moved, the less bright the city lights got, and they started to look farther and farther away.

“I like to think the downtown lights look like stars from here. Especially since we can’t see the stars tonight.” Rey remarked, gazing out the window

“I think that’s one of the best things about living in the city. It really is beautiful in its own way.” Poe paused for a moment. “Especially the people living in it.”

“I was being serious for once! Do you two ever stop flirting?” Rey said exasperatedly.

“No, we don’t. He tends to drive me crazy, but that’s what I like about him.” Finn leaned in closer to Poe.

“Okay, okay, I’m driving. Unless you want me to crash a minute before the best night of your life, you should sit down.” Poe said, Finn grumbling to himself as he sat back down in his seat with a little huff and the clicking of his seatbelt.

Poe soon stopped on the side of the road which had turned into a mix of dust, dirt, and gravel, parking the car. “Alright, everybody out.”

As Finn and Rey hopped out, Poe went to the trunk of the car and pulled out the rather menacing looking fireworks that they were about to set off. The trio walked away from Poe’s car, into a large, flat, grassy field. 

“Alright. I’m gonna light the first one just to test them, then you guys can light the rest. Make sure you stand back.” Poe said, pulling out his lighter and setting the end of the wick on fire.

Poe quickly ran back to the two, looking up as the firework took off into the air. It seemed slow at first, but then it exploded in the air in a dazzle of bright red. Rey looked up at the small show in wonder, the red reflecting in everyone’s eyes, red seeping into every crevice as it exploded and fizzled out.

“Holy shit, that was awesome.” Poe gaped, flipping his lighter to Finn and Rey as the two scrambled over who would get to light the next one.

And so the night went on, fireworks exploding in midair and the three friends (or one friend and two boyfriends) teasing one another, laughing and momentarily forgetting about any worries that moved inside their heads.

As Poe dropped off Rey, driving away into the distance, Rey stood on her driveway breathing in the cooling air. The pain she felt was always there, ebbing in and out like the tide of an ocean bearing onto the sand. The tide was the highest when she was alone, but the lowest when she was with those she cared for. She still felt it when it was at its lowest, for the ocean never disappears, it simply stays and constantly goes in and out, in and out.

Heart lighter than before, but still heavy, Rey climbed back into her room. Then she climbed into her bed, and let the tide of sleep wash over her exhausted body and mind.


End file.
